the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
it never rains but it pours.
the fallen saint left at 9:18 pm i suppose this entry is a couple of days late, but don't blame me pris, because i've had a silly yearbook to create and late-night football to watch. and who can omit the all blacks, who can't stop kicking england's big white ugly arse. martin johnson probably sold his tv set already, immensely regretting taking up his national side's coaching job.
the fallen saint left at 2:44 pm
it's one of those nights again, when i can't get to sleep and have too many people online in my contact list but not a single person i feel i can talk to. it's amazing how wondrously contradicting life can seem at times.
the fallen saint left at 12:32 am
it's terribly easy to go through friends just like you go through a wardrobe of clothes. perhaps it's the same with everyone else, but this seems to impact me more significantly. i don't try to hold on to people and keep them in my life anymore, although there is still a melancholic sheen each time this comes around a full cycle.
the fallen saint left at 4:04 pm
clubbed at dbl o with friends from hall tonight, guys and girls included. i wouldn't have gone if i hadn't had dinner with beatrice this evening.
the fallen saint left at 4:04 am
Sunday, June 22, 2008
queer dreams
stay away from me. i don't need any of this, ever.
watch that mouth
here's the gist of it. if you talk so loudly in public that everyone within 10 metres can hear you, don't blame people for laughing at the stupid things you say. basically this was what happened:we were on the bus, heading home that night, and there was group of young punks standing behind me. i say young because i doubt they've done their NS, and punks because they talked the talk and.. well, nothing much to say about their behaviour, except that it amounted to unbelievable brainless-ness. this prick was leaning his back into mine, as though i was his support. it was pretty annoying because i really wanted to make his teeth scratch the windowpanes in the bus, but i didn't think that was worth a possible trip to the police station.one of these foul-mouthed wannabe-poseurs (not even qualified to be poseurs, harsh as it may seem) was complaining he studied all the topics that came out in the exam (i assume it was some examination paper for retards) yet he still flunked the paper. seriously, if i had any grey matter in my head at all, i wouldn't say anything like that. but i forget, we're talking about morons' morons here.i don't know where such people will end up in society, and it's frightening to think such people are allowed to walk among us and waste our nation's resources. why do we work so hard just so we can drag these people along with their chins scraping the ground? i say, we should allot a little square area of land for every one of these fools in pedra blanca and deport them to live out the rest of their inglorious lives.is it so much to ask for people to talk softly within themselves? really, sometimes i wish i was hard of hearing, but when you talk so loudly and so annoyingly, it's impossible to block out your hilarious stupidity.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
at peace
i thought i saw you at the bus stop today, and if i did, i didn't feel anything. you look different from before, but every other memory's faded into the distance. what with not having talked to you in such a long while, suffice to say i don't think i know you anymore. perhaps all this while i was holding on to what i remembered you to be.maybe this sighting was a litmus test. i think i've let go now.
Monday, June 16, 2008
omnipresent transience
casual friendships are so effervescent. it bubbles a little and peters out before you know it.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
closer
from this point forth, this is as honest, naked and raw a blog post as i can possibly write.it's amazing how an entire evening of fun can be transformed with a single realization, that one of the girls staying in my hall is the cousin of lixin, my ex-girlfriend of three and a half years, albeit on-and-off. it seems the cousin has known who i was for a long time, and she says people have said that i've changed.i was overwhelmed by a plethora of emotions and i found it difficult to gather myself. there have been times when i had to question myself if i had really got over her since our breakup. or since she left me, if there is a need for specifics. sometimes i wonder if i am entirely to blame for when i can't seem to give everything into a relationship with someone after lixin, and if so, why. perhaps it would be wiser to admit that lixin was always the benchmark for the girl i would settle for without hesitance. it took me three years of being with her and other girls to finally realize that she is the one i want to settle down with, and many more afterwards to discover just how much she sacrificed and was willing to do for me.it's hard to let go when i thought there was still a viable chance, and that if i tried - and waited - hard enough, we could be together again. hearing from your cousin that you are doing very well now gave me mixed emotions. i am glad that you are happy with your life and have probably achieved so much thus far, both emotionally and with regards to your ambitions; yet i cannot help feeling a dull ache in a place in my heart that you used to reside in, a position no one can replace. i am not angered by the way things ended between us anymore; i just can't come to terms with it and maybe i never will no matter how hard i try or how much time i am afforded.it's coming to three years since you left me. in this time i can't say i've been a better person as a whole, but i'm trying every day. i'm not doing this to prove a point to anyone; rather, i'm trying to give a true account of myself, that i can be respected, and that if ever there is a second chance that was offered to anyone, i should be in contention at the top of the list. the world is indeed very minute, in that around every corner there's always someone related to someone we know, and we're all related to one another at the end of the day, but this will never be the reason for my desire to try and change people's impressions of me, or overwrite their initial regard of my person based on what they have been told by others before, whether it be true or fallacious.what i really want to say, at the end of all of this, is that no matter what happens, you were my one true love. my only regret is that i couldn't learn to cherish you earlier, although truth be told, the brief periods that we were separated from each other did help me love you more. i don't ask that you come back to me, since you are happy now, and if there needs to be justification for your decision, rest assured that the wrongs i did to you were probably sufficient for your choice.having realized and admitted all this, i feel it is only honest and fair to acknowledge that i may never be able to love anyone else in the same capacity ever again as i loved you close to the end of our relationship, and if my life should end with this unchanged conclusion then i am happy to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.i wish you well.